Wednesday, August 29, 2007

emotions - not mine

I know that girls are notoriously emotional creatures, drama queens.  Well, it's not exclusive to the female gender.

The boys' birthday party is coming up this weekend.  I do believe that each boy invited has a controversy with at least one other boy in the group!  Bear with me... Patrick and Ricky had a little tiff last week, but I think they have worked it out.  Thomas declares that Patrick wants to break up his friendship with the twins.  Andrew doesn't treat Thomas kindly.  Jake didn't want Mickey invited - I don't know what Jake's beef is with Mickey because they were in the same class last year and are in cubscouts together.  Mickey is a nice boy, but he is a little delayed.  I think that is the reason, but it's really hard for a mom to admit that their kid is discriminatory, ya know.  Nicholas and Sean have both had frackuses (is that a word?) with my guys, even though they are all fine now.  LOL!  This is going to be an interesting party!  Hopefully the bowling will be so much fun that they won't have time to go all dramatic.

Also on the emotional front... Last night Ryan burst into tears saying that he didn't want to move, he likes Hawaii and he'll miss his "fwends".  I know he is crying about this because Sean, who lives next door, is in the process of moving to a house on post.  I feel so bad for him.  But I tried to reassure him that we would email his friends and it wouldn't be for another year and to enjoy his friends now, and that even if we stayed, it wouldn't stay the same because his friends would move...  yeah, logic doesn't make you feel better.

Oh, one emotional thing for me.  Paranoia?  Last year the administration declared that they thought children should go straight home from school and do their homework.  That didn't work for a lot of us.  I want my kids to have time to blow off steam after a hard day of school and socialize with their friends who are in a different grade.  Plus the playground is exceptional.  Then they asked that the kids not play on the playground for 15 minutes after school, so the kids waiting to be picked up will be sitting on the wall ready to get into the car when their parent drives up. (we do not have a bus system, well, it's a privately owned thing and hardly anyone uses it)  So this year, the principal has declared that no one play on the playground for 30 minutes after school.  Mind you, this is a public playground.  It is on community property that happens to be adjacent to the school.  It is not under the school jurisdiction.  The principal actually brought out her microphone to get the kids off the playground.  She has personally reprimanded my kids.  This will not be dropped by me and the other moms that also want their kids to play after school.  We did not confront her at the playground in front of our kids, but she will hear it at the next PTSA meeting.  Not that it will do any good....  What an ogre.  No wonder kids are being pulled out of the school en masse.  Did you know there is a rule of "no running on the playground"!  The horror!  How dare kids actually play!  Anyway, some moms are buying into the "party line", that they can't possibly know who is supposed to be sitting on the wall to wait for their moms or not.   And some moms are also making up other excuses for the admin. like "maybe they were threatened with a lawsuit".  Ha!  I say the principal is on a power trip and really wants the parents to take their kids straight home to do homework like she thinks we ought to parent.  Now, if you know me, you know this is so unlike me.  I've really got my hackles up.  I'm a very compliant person, by the rules, not totally sure of my parenting and I never "read between the lines" or see conspiracy in anything (I'm very naive).  To me, this is a slap in the face.  Plus I think she needs to worry more about her release policy.  It's bell rings, and the kids scatter to the four winds.  No protection.

There.  I said my piece.  At least for now.  Open House at school is fixin to happen.

Monday, August 27, 2007

calendar

I just want to put out a plug there, that FORCE (facing our risk of cancer empowered) is putting out a calendar of women who have had mastectomies with and without reconstruction.  I think this is a great idea.  I ordered two.  I'll definitely give one to my PS and possibly to the surgeons in general at the hospital, so they'll have something to show their bc patients.  I've only seen pictures on the web.  I don't know if it has to do with being a military hospital but I've not been shown pictures there.  It possibly has to do a lot with the fluid nature of the staff.

I've got so much to say, but I don't know if any will get said.

Tonight had an interesting conversation with the boys.  The new devotional book we've been using is quite modern, and probably "cool".  Every day has a bit of trivia of something that happened on that day and the devotion at times has to do with that trivia.  Today is women's equality day, and the discussion was about that.  God created women distinctly and separately  - we are unique. (which does not negate equality)  Anyway, the day's "to do" was to compare and contrast mom and dad.  So we asked the boys how are we different.  LOL!  They came up with some physical traits, but when pushed for thoughts about our actions and attitudes - they really didn't come up with much.  They *could* compare us with them.  So that tells me, they see us as the same.  You know?  We are a unit.  (I guess that explains why they call me daddy and Gary mommy!)  It shouldn't be surprising to me.  We come out of the womb self absorbed, and I think that's a trait that takes work to change.  I also find it interesting because, as a parent to twins, I have always done my best to make an effort to see their differences and try oh-so-hard to not lump them together.  It's hard to do sometimes.  Meanwhile, they are NOT making the same effort and we are lumped together.  I don't mind, because I'm an adult and don't take it personally - that's just the way it is.  But I do hope there comes a time when they can see me for myself, not just "parent".

Okay, since I brought up the subject of differences between men and women, it's a good segue (sp? segway) to an article I read in today's paper.  It's about something that is common in Samoa.  A "third gender".  Called fa'afafine.  It's little boys raised as girls.  The article said it was common in large families.  The parents make the decision - if a boy has feminine characteristics or if a family just needs another female in the household to help out with chores - the boy is raised as a girl to help with the household duties.  Now they didn't get into details and statistics, but I think it's interesting how it shows how strong nurture is in influencing sexuality.  (I'm not saying that nature doesn't exist, but it's certainly not the sole influence)  Because they did say that fa'afafine either date straight men as a straight woman would, or they try to put aside that and marry women in order to have children.  Anyway, they highlighted a person who came to america, thinking that she would be easily accepted, due to her ideas gleaned from t.v.  Think Ru Paul.  (and Maury, I'm sure)  She did not get the open arm welcome she imagined, but is taking it very well, I think.  Considering she did this article, her goal is to educate us.  I am referring to her as her, even though she is a he.  It's confusing.  And since it's part of the Samoan culture, they are accepted there.  In the "christian" families (and I put that in quotes because people use that term loosely and I don't know what's what and think it's interesting that a christian family would do this to a child) the fa'afafine are accepted if they appear publicly as celibate.  (and since they stated it that way, do they sneak around? I dunno)  Anyway, this is not something I had ever heard about and was just fascinated by the whole article.  They had pictures of the gal featured in the story and she is huge!  Everyone in the picture was looking up to her towering self (samoans ARE large people).  So I bet she does get a lot of sir, uh, ma'am.

Bedtime.  That's about all I can cram in at the moment.  Prolly too much said anyway.  I have another subject to discuss at a later date.  I'm a bit consumed with birthday party planning, and am totally in a tizzy because I put the wrong times on the invitations and don't have everyone's phone number!  Ack!  I've got to fix this mess!

Friday, August 24, 2007

3rd grade - and my broken heart...

Why didn't anyone warn me about 3rd grade?  <sob>

I can't kiss them at the classroom door anymore.  <bawl!>

My babies.

I don't recall giving them permission to grow up.  Disobedient children!  Hmpf. <sniff>

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.........

They're still my babies.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

3 month follow up (long rambling junk)

You may want to skip this entry, it's long, doesn't make sense, and is boring...

For some reason, I'm having a hard time writing about this, although I need to get it out.  I went in for my follow-up today.  3 months since the exchange surgery.  I hardly slept at all last night, because I figured I'd have to fight to get revisions.  So I went in and he asked me how I'm doing and I said fine, but I'm not happy.  And he said, well, tell me about it.  So, I'm so bad with words, I bumble around a bit and finally spit out that I'm concave on top, still have this flat-ness, weird point, creases don't match, weird bumps - it all comes out in a jumble.  So he takes a look and pokes and prods and we discuss putting in a silicone gel implant, and what he can and can't fix.  whew.  Frankly, I think he's happy with the outcome, but *I* am not happy.  And he thinks we can do better.

I have to wait until I'm more healed.  He said my scar needs to fade - and he gave an explanation that I don't remember.  But he said the outcome would be much better if I'm fully healed, less internal scarring.  So we are going to do it after the marathon in December.  He promised me that we could have it all done, nipples and tattoos by March.  He wasn't going to let me move until we're done.  :-)

I have a headache.  I took pictures last night to show him how awful it was.  But the pictures were so very awful, I couldn't bear to print them.  The thing is, I've seen worse.  I mean, really worse.  Why risk it?  ----- ugh!

As you can tell, (at least I can tell), I haven't been praying about this and haven't been in the Word, so I'm totally discombobulated.  discomboobulated.  LOL!  I made a funny.  Still have a headache though.

Vanity is a weird thing when you are not used to being pretty.  You still have a set of standards even though you know you'll never be pretty.  So it's disconcerting when you don't even reach the barest minimum standard.  It's like living a rotten hair day, all the time.

Okay, time for this post to end.  Gotta make the kids do homework...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

dare to dream

So the other day we're sitting in the vortex and Ryan walks up.   He announces that if he doesn't become a ninja or singer when he grows up, then he wants to work at McDonald's.  I look over and catch Susan doing her best to not burst out laughing.  So I ask him, what do you want to do at McDonald's?  And he says he wants to boil the french fries and chicken nuggets (since that's what he likes).  And I said that he'd be a fry cook like SpongeBob.  And he says, but not flipping burgers.   It's good to have standards...

So later that evening we are telling Gary and Gary says to Ryan, you know, you can start working at McDonald's in a few years... Achieve your dreams early.  (then what?)

Then Ryan starts talking about opening a gourmet restaurant that serves all his favorite foods.  Pizza, chicken nuggets, peanut butter crackers, pancakes, and for dinner, to be fancy, tortellini. (frozen, don't you know)

I love my kids.  They are so funny.  :-)

Tonight the family went to a lighted tennis court and played, er, fooled around.  It was so much fun.  It may become a regular family activity.  Jake has some pretty good natural talent, but he gets bored easily and spent a lot of time laying on the ground and being our target.  don't ask...  LOL!  I'm a lousy tennis player - just not athletically inclined at all.  I made a C in tennis in college.  Who makes a C in tennis??  I only took the class because of Gary.  He was on the tennis team in high school.  So at least he's good enough to keep the ball in volley.  I got better as the night wore on.  But now my arms are a bit shaky.  Plus my hand turned black due to the deteriorated tape on my racket.  Gotta change that.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

cholesterol results are in...

better than before, but still not great.

total: 224

hdl: 41

ldl: 156

triglycerides: he just said normal

I'm sure I shouldn't be putting this out there on the web, but I need a record of it.  I can't remember my last numbers, I'll have to dig for them if they are stashed around here anywhere, but I do know this is better.  He told me I need to increase my fiber (check, doing that), regularly exercise 3 to 4 times a week (check, I walk 6 days a week), and modify my diet (check, I just started that a couple of weeks ago).  I know it will take time, but I'm sure if I stick to this path I'll have good numbers.  I'm gonna see if I can get tested again at least by next spring.  If I stay doing good and my numbers don't go down, then I'll have to do something more drastic.  Like start running.  Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Yeah, right, that ain't happenin'.

Flossie is fizzling...

They say we, here on Oahu, are supposed to get winds, high surf and not much rain.  Sounds like winter!  It's been a nice break from the heat, actually.  There are lots of clouds, but not much rain.  Actually, none during the day yet today.  I'm not sure where Flossie is, right now.  The t.v. is not doing the split screen today. (half show, half radar)

I'll be glad when she's gone.  It's affecting my mood.  So grouchy.  Gary said he was grouchy at work yesterday too.  Plus I have this pressure in my head, just a mild headache.  It has to be the weather (or perhaps the stress of impending doom).  I don't know how the people in Florida and the Carribean can stand it.  Oh, yeah.  The whole paradise thing.

I put a call in to my doctor to get my cholesterol results.  I'm a little anxious, but he said he'd be calling me if it was bad.  So it must not be that bad.  At least not as bad as my last test.  He looked at those in my chart and made a face.  Like, good gracious that's high! kind of face.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

last year this time...

I was given my diagnosis.

So, what am I doing today?  Check it out, this is so awesome: I'm making a meal for a family who just adopted a newborn!!  I'm helping someone else out, instead of being helped.  And it feels awesome!  For me, this is so much better than any party or dinner out.

Thank you Lord for this gift of life.  May you be honored and never shamed by my words or deeds, regardless the situation.

an interesting next few days

well, you know the hurricane is coming.  last week the volcano started flowing from a new site, close to the usual one (Kilauea has been flowing lava for years and years continuously).  Tonight an earthquake 5.4 shook at about 7:40 pm, they say 25 miles south of Hilo (big island) which is just about where the volcano is)  You ask me, I'd be afraid it's going to blow.  Maybe during the hurricane.

Of course, the earthquake causes tsunami watches and there will be aftershocks.

Don't be surprised when you hear about the Big Island needing a little FEMA...

I"m watching the news, the weather, and that hurricane took a turn and is heading right smack dab to Big Island and the direction it's going, all the islands will be affected.  They had told us earlier that it would hit the big island, but pass south of us, since we are a bit north and several islands west.  Ah, I see schools are closing.  I still need to buy peanut butter...  Maybe some ice.  Heck, I'll just join the other panickers and buy whatever I can lay my hands on! 

I'm just saying...

Monday, August 13, 2007

stephanie needs, gary needs

Got this idea from Brit's blog.  You google your name like this "stephanie needs".  I did myself and Gary and it's hilarious.

Stephanie needs...

1. Stephanie needs some help Look at those pants!

2. Stephanie - Need input! The last 24 hours has been a serious strain on my grey matter.

3.  Stephanie needs to be in a family where there are no other children or animals. ...

4. Stephanie needs a strong manly shoulder to lean on

5. Stephanie needs to get the women together in an alliance. (Of course.) ...

6. Stephanie needs the next three weeks to just pass by. ...

7. Stephanie Needs Midole?   (Midol maybe)

8. Stephanie needs to get whats coming to her.

9. Stephanie needs someone who is going to tell her like it is.

10. Stephanie needs some quick cash

Gary needs...

1. Gary Needs a Job.

2. Gary needs your help. EACH AMOUNT OF MONEY IS APPRECIATED. SINCE GARY NOW HAS A NEW EXECUTION DATE FOR AUGUST 20, 2002 AND WE HAVE NOT MUCH TIME LEFT . ...

3. Gary Needs a Hand.

4. Gary needs me! — 1 year ago.

5. Gary needs to be set up with a woman who is more OCD than he.

6. Gary needs to take his meds and then apologize to me.

7. Gary needs a face lift. ...

8. Gary needs to get back in orbit, way high up in space. ...

9. This is what Gary needs: The Garage. ...

10. Gary needs to get him some serious help and anger management.

Hurricane Flossie and misc. stuff

They had been saying that Flossie was going to pass us by, now they are saying it's coming this way, stronger than they thought.  Ack!  Little panic attack here.  We have candles and flashlights and water and foodstuffs and full propane tank for the grill - but other than that - we're clueless! 

milk - $5.33/gallon yesterday at the commissary - hate to think of what it is at the Safeway 

I've lost 5.4 pounds so far!!  Woo-hoo!  Turtle, turtle

Ryan's teacher told me that Ryan was "a beautiful child" - she said it because she notices how careful he is with the other children's feelings.  *sigh*  Can a mother ask anything more?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

just rambling... Robin Roberts...

You know, I am pathetically behind on news.  I just found out that Robin Roberts was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had some sort of surgery recently.  I saw a clip online of her announcement.  Boy, do I recognize the look she had on her face...  You can put on a brave front, but inside, it's there...  I wish you the best Robin.

You know, she is a very healthy woman, being an athlete, plus she said she didn't have any family history.  I am so glad that they (her and Diane Sawyer) made a point that 80% who are diagnosed have no family history.  I just recently heard a friend of mine say, "oh, I don't have to worry about that, no one in my family has had it".  I would have ripped her a new one if I were that type of person, and if she didn't say that she kept up with her mammos and such.  She's very large chested, so I'd think she'd be even more worried...

Anyway, my one year anniversary is coming up next week.

Did my cholesterol test yesterday.  yes, I actually followed through.  I don't know how many days it takes, but I'll probably call next week to find out the results, if the doctor doesn't call me first.  He'd said he'd call if the numbers were bad.  And they just may well be.  All that fried chicken this summer, and just an accumulation of poor eating habits.

I haven't been on here very often because I spend most of my online time at weight watchers!  I'm loving the points tracker thingy.  I spend a lot of time fooling around with building recipes and finding out what I can and can't eat.  Plus, I'm being fairly honest.  (I know you are shocked, but I did say "fairly") Ok, so I didn't enter the marshmallows I ate today, but I had points left over - so I'm good.  LOL!  Yes, that's exactly how I am.  I'm just thrilled to find that I can eat a lot of the things I normally eat and be within my points.  I'm also adjusting to the hungry feeling and snacking less.  I think about it hard.  Normally I would get that after-meal craving for something sweet - even though my stomach is stuffed I have that need to top it off with a sweet.  I'm learning to deal with it smarter.  Plus, after-walk snacks.  One of my most vulnerable, hungry moments.  Today I actually talked myself into wanting an apple.  I gave myself a pep talk during the walk about how cold andwet and sweet it would be.  And it was nice!  Just the right thing.  I still think a lot of it is hormonal.  Some days you are stronger than others.

Yesterday was such an emotionally grumpy day.  I just don't do heat well.  So I was grumpy, which made my kids difficult and challenging, our ill tempers feeding off of each other.  Viscious cycle.  I found myself instinctively going to the cabinet and grabbing snacks.  Lots of them.  Kid's fruit chews, granola bar, pb on a spoon.  If we had chips, I woulda eaten those.  So last night the kids devotional had the verse which says "may the words of my mouth be pleasing to Thee" (IIRC) and we discussed how grumpy I was, I apologized and we prayed this verse.  Today was a much better day - emotion-wise and food-wise.  Still super-hot outside (and inside), but...  I'm just saying...

So, if you are wondering, the rules thing is over.  For now.  I still don't eat after 8, and now Activia is a daily part of my life (very nice to my stomach!), and of course fruits and vegetables have increased exponentially.  So, the rules are there, but I'm doing WW for now.  I just hope I lose a bit more this coming week.  I was so down that day, it almost defeated me.  I'm okay now.

gas on post is down to $3.07

I've planted another avacado seed, this time doing it in dirt, not starting it in water.  No results yet.  I have also planted cilantro seeds and bought a basil plant and a tomato plant that has 3 tiny little maters on it.  I hope the birds don't get at them.  We have some resident bulbuls, myna birds and zebra doves that hang out a supper time.  I'm really gonna miss eating outside all the time.  *sigh*  Can you believe I'm missing it already? We've got until next summer!!

Friday, August 3, 2007

I'm am so weird - TMI

Went for my well woman visit today, which is code for pap smear.  I don't know what is with me.  I knew, when I made my appointment, I'd be going to a man doctor.  The same guy who removed the mole on my back.  You'd think that gross image would stay with me.  But nooooooo....  Stick a male doctor in front of me and I get all giggly.  *blush*  I'm turning into such a flirt in my old age.  I could barely even ask him how to give myself a BSE on my reconstructed side.  The words came out in the most incomprehensible babble.  (I'm so very good at flirting - LOL!)  And he wasn't even balding (see earlier post...), he had the most gorgeous head of thick, black, curly hair. 

Mid life crisis.  Too bad my DH is missing out on it!  No way am I going to share this with him.  He thinks I'm weird enough as it is.

BTW, the geek squad guys did nothing for me.  It must be a doctor thing.  :-)

Thursday, August 2, 2007

sorry! pc crash

the geek squad is on it.  meanwhile, we just bought a laptop and so my time on it will be minimal while we all try to catch up.  I haven't been able to read a thing yet, so, patience with me!