Saturday, June 2, 2007

why do I do this? and a top 5 list

I'm just wondering why I make my husband look at the gross and weird things on my body.  It can't be a good idea.

yes, I'm back to the boob topic.

I really feel that PS's need to let their patients know the truth about what the outcome will be.  Let expectations be realistic.  Mine reassured me that I would have a good outcome, my skin was good, blah, blah, blah.  He didn't tell me that I would be disappointed at first.  And it would take a while to get used to it.  (I've discovered that a large %age recon patients are disappointed)  I guess he may have implied it, by saying that it takes weeks for the swelling to go down and things to settle.  He did tell me that I would be squashed on the one side and extra "perky" on the other side.  I guess, being a melodramatic person, I need it put into melodramatic terms.  The "perky" boob was gargantuan.  The squashed boob looked like a shriveled, white prune.  THAT would have prepared me, because that's what I saw.  (I suppose he didn't want to scare me?...)

He also didn't tell me about the neat party tricks my boob does.  (this is what I showed my DH today) I've got a couple of lumps, that are obviously the implant.  You can push them in and it feels like those pop-o-matic games.  Well, I have one on the side and if I watch that while I bend forwards I can see it move, being pulled by gravity.  Until it forms the corner on that side.  The corner to what?  Well, my boob is rectangular!  Flat on the end.  When I stand up, it's kinda triangular from the bird's eye view  (an offset triangle).  And if I run my fingers along it, I can feel all kinds of lumps and bumps.  My implant is NOT smooth (although it is a smooth style).  By what I feel, it's all wrinkly.  I wonder if it's not all filled.  Maybe there was a leak.  Maybe it doesn't fit the pocket right.  Maybe it'll change with more time.

I'm used to them now, with clothes on.  I dread the bra shopping that I'll need to do.  But I hear the VS Ipex bra and t-shirt bras are good for us recon patients.  Hides all kinds of wierdness and flatness.  I know that I won't be able to wear the bras that I had before BC.

If I see one more movie where the BC recon patient flashes her spectacular new boobs to strangers in the doctors lobby, I'll freak.  Ok.  So maybe I will just freak on the inside.  But you are not going to see the movie where the BC recon patient is home alone, crying.  And hating that she is even plagued with that much vanity, despite being grateful for being alive and being thankful for the opportunity to have recon.  Blasted emotions.

Just a little tidbit here, before BC, I spent maybe 0 minutes a day looking at my boobs.  I now spend at least an hour a day, or more.  Much of it is peeling off the stubborn thin layer of glue and spreading on ointment, but I often check out what's new and if it's changed somehow...

Anyway, on the latest news, the redness has subsided substantially.  I even took a 1 1/2 hour walk today and didn't itch!  Now that I'm almost my pale pink self again, things do look more "pretty".  At least normal-ish, not so much post surgical.  The other day I prayed that God would let me see myself with different eyes.  And that has helped, enormously.  (despite what you may think by what I've written - what I write falls days behind what I feel at the moment sometimes)

I was thinking about making a top 5 (or 10) list of the things I like about my recon.  This is what I have so far:

7.  I can fully reach my arm across my body without being inhibited by the large hard expander

6.  I can sleep comfortably (almost) on my sides again.

5.  I can see my stomach again (not so good for my stomach though!)

4.  I don't unknowingly knock things over with my expander side

3.  it won't put somebody's eye out

2.  it's soft

1.  I can hug on that side again

1 comment:

mumma4evr said...

I think we tend to notice things more than others do.  I put on a shirt today and took it off because I know that the scar was showing through.  The scar from my lump removal is raised and hard, the Dr says it will go away. Hubby insists it is not raised enough to be seen but.....