Monday, May 21, 2007

Abba Father

I think it was Thursday when I was sitting here all distraught and crying and feeling sorry for myself.  And feeling alone.  I was even saying to myself, you need to take it to God - but I was refusing that.  I really wanted a hug from someone.  A little sympathy from a real person.  I even posted on here some of my disappointment, but I held back, threw in a few upbeat parts.  Didn't work.  I wanted a pity party by golly!

So I relented.  No, I wasn't going to pray.  Just read the chapter to get ready for the Bible study that night that I had already planned not to go to.  2nd chapter of Daniel.  No, there was not one single inspirational verse that jumped out at me.  You know, that really hasn't ever happened to me.  I hear it happening all the time to other people...  Anyway.  Daniel is an exciting book of the Bible.  the lion's den, the firey furnace, dream interpretations - etc.  Chapter 2 was a dream interpretation.  And then it happened.  I was comforted.  Wha?  yep.  I was pulled up out of my little pity party.  Got a glimpse of the big picture.  The big picture will do that for ya sometimes.  The glimpse I got was that this world is wrong.  It's not as it was created initially.  Sin has ruined it - even the physicality of it.  Cancer is one of the by-products.  And cancer is what took a body part of mine.  Man can try to re-create it, and do a pretty good job - but it won't be perfect again until we get to heaven.  This that is happening to me is temporary.  Just a blip on the radar of eternity.  Not even a blip.

No big revelations.  Heard it all before.  And if any human person had said this to me - whammo!  Might've gotten socked in the face.  Okay that's melodramatic, but I would've wanted to do it.

We're studying God in Sunday School.  The past few weeks has been particularly that God is Abba Father.  Daddy.  Sometimes only your daddy can say things to you in just the right way.  And he'll let you climb up on his lap.  And cry.  That's what Jesus did in the garden before his crucifixion.  He was desparing to the point of death and cried out Abba Father.

I love my dad, but I really love having a Father that I can cry to and say, Look at this mess!  It's ugly, and yes I'm vain and I'm afraid that it's going to stay this way, and I don't want more surgery, afraid to not get more surgery and I hate myself for being so shallow and vain.  And I'm selfish enough to want a little/big pity party.  Please take it. 

And He did.


purplehazebarn said...

So glad the scripture reading gave you consolation.  My heart went out to you after reading your entry the other day, but I really didn't know what to say that would be consoling to you.  Difficult to place things in the Lord's Hands, but He does make it better!  I find a lot of help by inviting the Holy Spirit to help me.  "She" always comes through.  Could tell you story after story how She has helped me and my friend.  You have come a long way--so don't give up now.
((((hugs)))), LaVern

am4039 said...

you have been through so much, you are entitled to have a pity party. I am happy that you are feeling a little better about things.

lanurseprn said...

I'm glad you felt better.